I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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