After last night, I could never be a politician.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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