In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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