My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
