i just sent this text using only my big toe
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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