you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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