I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
