He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
