I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
