So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
