Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
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