I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My ass is underappreciated
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
