Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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