dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
