dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
