Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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