As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
