The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
