Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
