I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
