It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
