I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
