you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
