Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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