You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
