oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
