just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
