Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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