Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
