Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize