she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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