I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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