i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
