Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
