Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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