Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
