she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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