Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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