I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
