i wish my penis had a tongue
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
