you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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