Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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