hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
