He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
