This is not my ceiling
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
