I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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