I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
