Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
