My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
