There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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