so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
