She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize