chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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