Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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