The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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