I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
