woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
