Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
